So first I would like to apologize...I have been absent for almost a year. But when I say alot has happened, I am not even joking.
First, I moved back to Western MA! In the middle of the pandemic, my lease ended in August 2020. I was given the choice at my apartment to either find two new roommates or move. The last two roommates I had were pretty awful. NOT the worst, but still pretty bad. I figured because I had a much better relationship with my mother and I had been working from home since April 1, 2020, that moving back in with her and my half-brother would be ok. WRONG!
It's great paying low rent a month to live here, but my mother is retired and my half-brother works seasonal UNDER THE TABLE! The entire winter he doesn't get unemployment and he's home 24/7 so not only does he start drama AT 51 YEARS OLD, but I'm paying for him to live, eat, shower, and start drama. He never says thank you. But instead of wishing him ill, I have taken a different approach: I wish the appropriate karma be bestowed upon him. What's that mean? It means I hope that how he yells at my mother for getting the wrong brand of chips, how he misgenders and deadnames me, how he takes her car and dings it up, how he acts superior in general without having any money or contributing to anything in the house, I hope comes back to him in some way shape or form. That's karma...whatever you put into the universe you get back good or bad. It can be him having an attack of conscience and realizing "OH MY GOD, I was an evil person I need to make things right..." or something else.
I bet you all are wondering why I hate him so much...well I can tell you aside from the fact that he would beat me up as a kid and put me down (my mother knew and did nothing), but he also confirmed in high school that I was gay. This lead to me being severely bullied. Imagine finding out your own blood relative outed you? For what reason? And my mother ain't worth shit. After watching Harry & Meghan's interview, my mother is the institution. I reached out for help as a kid, she ignored me.
About my mother. During the pandemic, I found out that my mother was telling the truth. She believed my father died before I was born after she and him hooked up. ONLY he was alive in Florida with two kids. YES my DNA matched on Ancestry.com. My father's name is Marvin not Thomas. He lied had his friend lie to my mom about him dying in a car accident. At first I felt bad for my mom. I actually apologized to her for calling her a liar all these years about that one piece of my life. But living back with her now, I realize she still is a liar. Not about big things either. Check this one out, she bought me a Brita water filter because the one I had was "too big for the fridge" for Christmas. (Awesome gift) Then when I started using the Brita water filter SHE BOUGHT ME, she decides to take it back and claim it's for her cats water dish. I KID YOU NOT! This grown woman would rather her cats have something than her own child. So I've made a tough, but very honest decision...
I hate liars so I do not have a dad, and I hate feeling unappreciated and disrespected so unfortunately I do not have a mom either. And no that's not the first incident.
I bought her a brand new iPhone Christmas 2019. She didn't use it for 4 months then told me "Oh it's too fancy." Because it was outside the 14 days I couldn't return it. So now I have a phone I'm paying for every month that nobody is using. She literally is wasting me money. Then when I sat her down to tell her how evil my half-brother is she shrugged her shoulders and said "that was in the past." When I told her how he misgenders and deadnames me, she said "let it go." And when I pointed out to her that he bitches and complains but doesn't contribute to anything financially she said "I don't pay him no mind." Whenever I argue with anyone I come with examples. And I cannot I CANNOT associate myself with these folx. If Meghan has the Markles, I have my mom's side of the family. Oh her entire side deadnames and misgenders me and doesn't even TRY to correct themselves, so I have stopped visiting and associating with them.
My father's side of the family (aside from him) is amazing. I haven't met him nor do I care to. He's proven to be a liar, and I cannot associate with liars. He's also not on either of my half-brother or half-sister's birth certificates as Father. I would rather just not...I've survived my whole life without a dad, why would I need one now? He's not been a father to my half siblings so what am I missing?
Besides I have three sisters that are my family. That old saying you can't choose family is incorrect. You can't choose your blood relatives, you can choose your family. Family is the people in your life that love you, that support you, and that try no matter how uncomfortable it might be for them. THAT'S family. You don't have to force family to love you, wait for them to say sorry. It's a natural thing. I will always love my "white" family over my blood relatives. Because as much as my "black" family talks about being black and how proud they are, there is so much in-fighting and hatred between even themselves.
I'm praying my work allows us to permanently work from home so that I can stay in Western Mass permanently. Work is a whole other post which I don't even want to get into.
There are some people that are trying to come back into my life now. I booted them at the beginning of my transition because they were upset that I didn't come out to them specifically. So they keep trying to talk to me on FB or requesting a friend connection without even apologizing. Nope. Not gonna happen. If you are the type of person who cannot admit when you're wrong, you don't deserve to be in my life.
I’m not making this post to tell my dirty laundry. In fact, I feel completely exposed. But I want all my LGBTQ folx to know, if your blood relatives don’t love you create a family that does. Now at 10 years old I didn’t know this 8 year old girl and her family would become my family. But 30 plus years later I can honestly say I trust those three women with my life. They will defend me, support me, and be honest with me the exact same way I’ll defend, support, and be honest with them. I’m an aunt to their kids, I will thank them in every future speech when I go up to accept my multiple awards (hehe)! They are my family. I’m not stuck with my blood relatives.
Neither do any of you have to be. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to see it and be ready to go towards it.
So I’m back. I’ll be posting again. 😍