the one where I walk away gracefully

So I hung out as friends with this guy on Saturday. Seemed nice when we met online but I had a feeling he might be a lil dramatic but nothing really unusual. We talked daily too. We hang out and he tells me story after story about his drama. We go to the movies, eat lunch. It was ok. See him online Sunday and ask him how his day was. He says fine. I tell him how mine was and how it woulda been a perfect date day. Out of nowhere he twists it in his mind I'm invading his privacy asking him about his dating life. BLOWS UP! I'm like "Hey don't treat me like your exes. I'm not into playing games. If I wanna know something I'll ask not beat around the bush." He gets mad and leaves.

Fast forward to today. He STILL thinks I was fishing. I finally had to say "Im sorry you feel that way. It's not my style. If you can't get over that it's really not my problem. Great hanging out Saturday. Have a good 2010." Yeah the grudge list really put into perspective to leave things on a high note. Don't be a jerk just leave. He clearly has issues and I have too much going on in my life that I'm not a psychiatrist. Those are HIS issues. I have a feeling he'll be contacting me. I mean the guy has a "stage name" and he's not even a celeb yet. For real. His name is one thing online and another in person. AND I left a status about something and he thought it was about him. That's not someone I need to have in my life. Better they go now than a year from now.

the one where I get out of my own way 2

So a year ago I'd probably be either depressed or confused. I have three guys technically four I'm interested in right now.

One is an ex from two years ago. Since our breakup he's become one of my best friends but I've always felt we weren't done. He was actually there for me throughout the text message break scandal of 2010 (rolls eyes). We've gone on one date two weeks ago and another this week.

Then there's another guy whom I have been crushing on for two years. We are both single and had a blast when we hung out. I just don't know what he's thinking. We haven't planned our next hang out but it's coming.

Third guy is a guy I've known for three years that lives in Cali. He and I would be married by now had I moved to Cali back in 2007 when I went on a date with him. We're hanging out in March when he comes to CT for business. So nice and just...chillaxed lol Only way to describe him.

And the fourth is a guy I just met recently breaking the trend of me pursuing long-standing crushes hahaha Obviously I dunno what's going on there but we seem to get along pretty well.

A year ago I'd pursue one hardcore till it folded. I would have boxed them into a corner till they ran. And I would have definitely been far too aggressive. Today my thought is I'd be lucky if any of them worked out to be boyfriends or friends. If it happens it happens again I get something great out of it not matter what.

the one about the grudge list

So a few friends have Lent as their status and what they are giving up. I'm not even Catholic so I was like "Oh get outta my face with that." Then I started to think. I like the concept of giving something up. But it can't be something silly. This will be a 40 Day process it needs to be character building.

Well since I was in closure mode already since Sunday I thought why not give up grudges? I thought more about this. I figured out a method:

1. There are some people I need to step up and apologize to.
2. There are some people that I have apologized to in the past and they need to contact me.
3. There are some people whom are not worth apologizing to.

How I determined this is what created the grudge/rift. Obviously I would take ownership it if was my fault. But also if it was their fault I would make a first move. I would also make sure this is a grudge worth talking about. Example this guy I was friends with has a blurred line between being a total bitch and being sarcastic. I've told him about it but instead he would say "You're a bigger bitch than me." Very immature reaction. I stopped talking to him after I gave him multiple chances but there's nothing that I can do. I can't change someone's character nor do I have the inclination. That would be bullet 3.

Now I have an entire list of people and so far most that I've contacted I've had awesome success. Some again are in bullet 3. And other's although they are on the list I'm gonna wait for them to contact me. There's a fine line between taking the higher road and always being a doormat.

I'll keep track of my progress and post at end of 40 Days.

the one where I get out of my own way

I can feel them going back up...I feel really bad too because it took me so long to let them down. :( I think Ben effected me very negatively.

Not to keep constantly slamming Bruce but he was part of it. And there's actually been a couple other guys that have really irked me. Since this seems to be the week of closure (lol) two spring to mind.

One was this guy Randy. When I first moved to Boston the very first day at work I met Amy. I tried my best to dislike her because I didn't wanna get close to anyone (my previous boss was The Devil Wears Ann Taylor) but clearly that didn't happen. We'd go in the cafe and this tall gorgeous guy would walk by. I'd drool and I coulda sworn he was straight. Amy was like no he's gay. And slowly over the course of a year and a half little things would happen. He'd smile. Oops did he just wink at me? No. He'd rush to be in line behind me. It was cute. Should I talk to him? No I won't. Then I saw him at Roxy. I was like OH MY GOD he is gay. Maybe he's not out. I won't say a word. The NEXT DAY he was cold. Wouldn't look at me in the cafe. Would go out of his way to avoid me. I felt like Bella in "Twilight" and how Edward avoided her. And it got worse. I'd see him out and he'd be just plain rude. I just kept that to myself. How was I gonna explain that? Thankfully Amy never noticed or asked me about it. So then I noticed we had the same friends and would be on the same online social networks. He'd ignore me and block me. I was like WTF! Finally I had had enough.

Per mentioned this week being the running theme of closure I finally emailed him. "Aside from you being a racist I'm not sure what I did to deserve your ire, but at this point in my life I'm tired of being rude to people whom are rude to me simply as a defense mechanism. Gays have enough hatred from homophobes we don't need it unnecessarily from each other. Whatever you perceive that I did to you THREE YEARS AGO I wish you would've been adult enough to talk to me about it but hopefully you aren't hanging onto it. We live in the same town and have mutual friends. It's absurd we've wasted so much time throwing shade." I have yet to get a response.

Quite honestly I don't think I will. Like Peter (whom moved from I can't even remember where to live here) whom has done a similar thing I think there are just some guys in life that grown downward. These two men are well into their 30s and they have gotten less mature with age. When did this happen? I thought self-reflection and self-help were the new craze.

And I dunno about anyone else but my friends...I don't think they think I'm a bitch. I think they think I'm tough on people. So if I dislike someone they call me out immediately. "Oh why don't you like this person? Tell me the detailed reason." When I tell them and they don't agree they tell me I'm being "immature and to get the eff over it." This doesn't end our friendship or change it. It's just that's what their opinion is. More than half the time I agree and get over it. They have no idea about that hahaha BUT the other piece they get it. They understand why. Do other people have friends like this? Friends that tell them they are being morons and to get out of their own damn ways?

It's taken me a long time to get that phrase working. Getting out of your own way is tough. It's like training yourself for a marathon. I think I'm gonna spend the rest of the week doing just that.

the one about him not being that into me

So I watched this movie "He's Just Not That Into" a couple years ago. It changed my dating life. I'm completely Gigi. Gigi is the lead character who does the most insane things but it's because she is just that person. She'll walk up to a cute guy and tell him just cuz. She'll say something silly according to others. Bold. Flaky.

As I'm watching I'm seeing so much of myself. I've walked up to guys in grocery stores and told them they are hot then walked away. I've also taken the chance because I knew I didn't wanna regret things. And even when I thought "What's the point of this?" I said "self take a chance."

I've ebbed back and forth between being bold and being broken. I'm in the broken phase right now. I'm not going up to the hot guy on the street anymore. And I'm not smiling like I use to. I'm just tired. Tired of being disappointed.

The one thing I won't do is move backwards in the dating world. One thing about the movie that I took away is "If he likes you he'll ask you out." That was said two or three times. I never forgot that. Whenever "that guy" or "this guy" doesn't like me I tend to move on quickly (Randy and Pete are different stories...what? They were before my newfound enlightenment). I also don't put myself out there as much. But there are other times when my instincts are right.

Monday I was at CC with Jake for a minute. This guy was definitely eyef*cking me. I played along but felt that THING holding me back. I waved and smiled but did not go up to him. As I'm about to leave he opens his mouth to talk to me and smiles but I freak out and just turn on my heels and leave. Jake and I are leaving and I said "This is silly. I'm an adult I should just go back and introduce myself." Well I go back in and he's gone. I was like "See self you should've did something the first time." I walk out defeated then as I'm walking to Back Bay station out of the corner of my eye I see his shirt. I look back into CC and he's on a DINNER DATE! This guy almost talked to me BEFORE he went on a dinner date. I was floored.

Sometimes in life I'm right. I'm one of those people that believes in Karma and the Universe and all that crap. And sometimes I noticed when I don't "get the guy" there's a reason. Whether I know now or not is irrelevant but there IS a reason. Imagine I talked to this guy and gave him my number right before he was about to go on a dinner date. Imagine how awful I would've felt. And his poor date...I've noticed it too with others. One guy had a drug problem. Another has no motivation or dreams in life. Another was a serial dater. Another socially awkward. Another dangerously aloof. And yet another turned out to be one of my best friends. I recently said to Jake actually "What happens when you get every guy you want? Where do you go from there?" He shrugged...

the one about the details of Valentine's Day

So this Valentine's Day sucked for about 30 minutes. Overall if I think about it there was nothing wrong with that day.

I woke up late, did laundry while I cleaned my apartment, got showered, dressed, watched my NetFlix, and went to Melting Pot for 630 to meet Ben. As I'm sitting there waiting for my closure dinner it hits 630 and he isn't there. I text him. He's at Back Bay waiting for me because apparently at 33 and working in Downtown Boston for 2 years he needs me to be his damn guide dog and take him to The Melting Pot at Park Plaza hotel...IN DOWNTOWN BOSTON! But the reservations were for 7. Knowing I would not be too nice lasting a half hour chatting with him I texted back where it was and to meet me there at 650. I walked to Club Cafe to prepare my thoughts. He texts me back "Was that you I saw walk into Club Cafe?" I said "Yes don't come in I'm hanging with friends prior to our dinner Ill see you at 650" What about that can be misconstrued? Of course he texts back "Well you're being shady. You didn't even see me waving at you. How do you think that made me feel? Just go to dinner with your friends." I was livid. I finally told him to order my chinese in Quincy and I'll pick it up LOL He SHOULD pay for something. Nope. I let him know "You are a bad person and don't contact me going forward." He said "But I have fun :)" No joke. A 33 yr old man thinks its FUN to be a douchebag.

As I mentioned in my previous text I didn't get the closure I wanted but I think I did if I think about it. Ben CLEARLY was not the one for me in any regard. Jealous. Immature. Irrational. Quick to make judgments with NO facts. He assumes more than asks. Just not my type at all. So when I say I deserve better I meant I deserve more. More good than bad. More positives than negatives.

Last year's Valentine's Day was awesome. Bruce actually sent me a dozen roses if you can believe it. No reason at all just sent them. I was like WTF?! We had broken up but were friends then. To have that moment back woulda rocked. I kept hoping someone would surprise me. :(

the one about closure

So after my non-closure with Ben I decided to clean up my Facebook inbox. Forgot I had a message in there from Bruce.

Bruce and I dated for a month in 2008. I was like "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" when I saw him. My friends were like "Go for him. He's cute." So I talked to him. He was in Boston on business. We chatted and a one-night stand turned into a month long, long-distance relationship. OH DONT JUDGE ME! Hey I liked him. And he liked me. I went to visit him in FL for three days and I was on cloud nine. Great time. But he broke up with me cuz he couldn't take the distance (that's what he said at the time). We stayed amicable. He even sent me flowers last Valentine's Day. Then he got a boyfriend out of nowhere. Just like happened after months of telling me he wasn't dating or interested in dating. And he turned on me. Said the nastiest things. Things you'd say to someone you once claimed to care deeply for. The things he said were things from my childhood I thought I left behind. I was literally so shaken to the core by what he said I doubted my self-worth. HATED men. All my friends would tell me to let down my guard. They couldn't understand why I was so guarded and I never told them why. I was embarrassed and ashamed for a very long time.

As I said I was cleaning out my Facebook inbox and saw an old message from when we were friends. Without thinking I shot him an email about something unrelated to our relationship. He responded RIGHT back almot immediately. Then I brought "it" up. And it was weird for me. Each email was more sorrowful and apologetic than the last. I hated this man for killing any faith I had in men last May. And I still cared about him as a person and his well being. I had healed but never perfectly closed up. It's like a hole that had stitches with gaping openings.

He asked if he could call me and I said "I suppose." Our phone conversation started off with my wall up. I didn't serve him playful jabs I gave him hurtful slices. And they were thought out. Nasty and immature I know but he was whom I was angry at and I could not express it to anyone else. I'm mostly sarcastic but when I'm a bitch you better watch out. The digs were like trenches. And he KNEW he deserved it. He even said "I deserved that" about 700 times. During our THREE hour conversation I learned he was drunk when he said those things AND he was considering contacting me for awhile but was afraid I hated him. I told him "well drinking reveals the truth I thought." He admitted he had no clue why he said what he said. I moved on from it. Then a bomb was dropped on him:

Bruce: David, we didn't mesh that well. I mean I'm outdoorsy so when I wanted to go camping...

David: Um Bruce, I grew up outdoors. Loved to bike, run, and yes camp. Was gonna camp in September for a friend's birthday but I was in Atlanta at the time. So apparently you don't know me as well as you think.

I heard him stumble. He was shocked. Suddenly my wound was closing alot faster and more perfectly than I thought. I felt more confident in months. Told him about my work situation and how I'm gonna start mentoring soon. How I'm considering getting my masters. How I'm getting on a new fitness plan. And I intentionally didn't mention my dating life at first. Then I opened up. I hadn't really talked about it but I told him about Josh and how we are going on dates. And how I had the confidence to walk up to a guy at the bar now and say hello without it being about sex.

The resolve of our conversation is that we are going to try and be friends again. I can't say that I will automatically go back to it. But the thing about Bruce is I can say anything I want to him and he would not judge me (probably cuz he's done the same or more probably four or five times). It's just tough going from hating someone who made you feel like crap for 9 months to opening up and letting them in as your friend again. I'm gonna try...

the one about Valentine's Day redux

So I was sitting at home about to enjoy a quiet day off when Jake texted me. He apparently had a lunch date that changed plans on him. Met him at DTX, we ate at this hole in the wall diner on Tremont which was good, scoped out patrons, went to see Avatar, walked around Macy's, went to Club Cafe, and then parted ways. What is fun about him is I get to be a tween. We check out guys and I don't feel stupid. I love checking out guys. It's weird with my other friends I'm more worried about talking to them so when I get hit on it doesn't register. When I'm with Jake I notice the winks and smiles I get. At first I was like "Jake they are doing it at you." But he was like "oh no he looked dead at you." The best was this HOT omg HOT tall dark haired guy that walked by. I said to Jake "Damn he's gorgeous." And turned around as he walked past. He turned not once but TWICE and smiled. Ok that hasn't happened to me like EVER! I was giggling like a 14 year old girl.

Compared to yesterday where the dinner I needed closure didn't happen! UGH! I realized yesterday I'd have to make my own closure with Ben. My opinions will be left to myself but the gist of it is I deserve better.

the one about high school

It's not until you get out of high school when you realize you didn't do what you should've. If I was the person I was today back then I would've:

• Asked either Brandon Parrelli or Matt Perodeau on a date. Sure they're straight and would've rejected me but it's all about the boldness not result.
• Been more involved in swimming and track be damned my shyness.
• Been more outgoing when it came to friends in high school.
  
• Gotten a part-time job. I feel like I have huge goals as to what my dream job is but nothing for my backup plan. I would have loved to been the person who worked at Express since high school and now a district manager with them putting me through college.
• Talked back more to those whom put me down.
  
• Lived on-campus through college. Getting my first roommate and getting into activities on campus.

...Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift that's why it's called the present. That's the old adage. Who's to say I'd be the person I am today if all that stuff changed. Plus especially with college I would've missed all that time with Ashley, Mandee, and Brett. Now that's stuff I can't ever regret having.

What's been odd/good for me is bumping into people from high school on Facebook. Not only seeing where they are at now, but how they react to me. Seeing them through my eyes. My impression of myself in high school? Only black and openly gay kid in high school. I was smart, but craved attention. And had immature moments but mostly older than most. I spent alot of time alone or with Ashley, Mandee, and Brett.

The outpouring of support and understanding from them NOW has been amazing. For someone I was the first gay guy they'd ever met. Others the first black guy. There was ONE person that deserved my hatred. One person I should never forgive. He made my life hell...with that person I found him on myspace a few years ago. I confronted him and told him how much hell he made my life AND what my life was at home. I wanted him to feel like crap. I wanted him to actually regret what he did...guess what? He did. He was remorseful. It's that moment in movies where the nerd confronts the bully and says what he wants and the bully relents. Even though it was all online his words made me cry. I was so happy even overjoyed he went through hell too. His life wasn't perfect during or even after high school.

So yeah that's my thought about high school. There's a part of me that wishes I could go back, but there's more of a part that is glad I went through the trials and tribulations. Sometimes drama can be character building.

the one about the shaving cream

Again with the metaphors. I know. I know. But they make me think.

So I have this bottle of shaving cream. When I first used it worked fine. Then I used it again and shaving cream went everywhere. I was like WTF. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I hit the nozzle and it fires out. I was like "this shit is broken I need to use another one." Frugal me said "No that crap cost $5 per bottle. You better ease up on that nozzle but you are not throwing it out."

Over the course of two months I gingerly applied pressure to the nozzle to eek out the exact amount of shaving cream I needed. Today that shaving cream met its maker as I emptied its contents....Like my counterpart Carrie Bradshaw I couldn't help but wonder, when faced with a problem is it better to give up or throw in the towel?

Per mentioned from my last post I think we know where I stand. Unlike the garbage bag though I didn't give in. I kept at it till I won. This was a battle I knew I could win. Again much like my relationships and friendships.

I even noticed with my friendships it exists. Of all my friends each and every one of them except for maybe two I've had major fights with, we got over it, and have held a closer bond since. What if Jill, Megan, or Kelly back in 1987 when we were all hanging out decided after one of our petty kid fights to throw us away like that can? We wouldn't be friends to this day and missed out on so many great memories.

What if Josh and I are that can of shaving cream? We went from perfect relationship to exploding mess (get your minds out of the gutter) to now applying gentle pressure and making things work. Well whatever happens I'm going to take things slow. Getting out of a relationship with a 13 year old gives you new perspective on your life and what's important. I don't NEED a relationship. I WANT one. I like what's going on with me and Josh. It's easy and fun and well I'm positive I've changed. After two years of dating and being friends I would hope I have.

the one about the garbage bag

Anyone who knows me knows I'm quite the frugal chef LOL (Not in cooking terms more in waste management). Typically when I go to restaurants and can't finish my meal I will take a to-go container and give it to a homeless person. Or I truly will eat it when I get home. Nothing ticks me off more than wasting money though.

I usually change my garbage bags when they get full. Makes sense right? Well this one time I dunno what my roommate and I were eating but it stank. It was rancid. We kept making faces at each other.

Me: Chris what did you eat?
Chris (will his shirt over his nose): Why you blaming me? It coulda easily been yo black ass with them chitlins and shit you be eating. (laughs) Just get rid of it.
Me (secretly laughing but outwardly pissed): The bag is only half way full...and I don't eat chitlins. Racist stereotyper.
He (playfully hugs me and says): Just get rid of it it stinks.

With that he leaves and goes to bed. I was so mad. Mad that he was right of course, but mad that I had to waste a damn bag. I sigh and take out the half bag and look for ANYTHING around the house to fill it with. Room trash. Maybe an old shirt not Goodwill worthy. Anything. I replace the bag with a fresh one and dump the now full one I did find stuff to put in.

As I walk up back to my apartment I realize that's how I view all things in my life. Every work situation. Friendships. And relationships...got me thinking about my most recent and failed relationship.

I dated someone I knew from date three of last year was not the one. I knew. I let him pursue me for a year because I had never been pursued before. It felt nice. Then I dated him for a month. A month I knew was not going to turn into forever, but I thought it could turn into for awhile. Just like that garbage bag. I knew there was nothing good that would come if I kept that bag there simply for the sake of it being full to the top.

With my last relationship I didn't intent to get burned. Not once but twice I was dumped. I know what you're thinking I like the drama like every gay man. But that's not it. For me it was "here is an individual whom has two or three opportunities NOT bad points. Maybe if I stick around those opportunities will become strengths." In the end I realized even though those are two or three opportunities they are BIGGIES. Ones he is not fully understanding he has nor willing to change. What's sad is he reminds me of myself about five years ago.

I was the type of person whom was so insecure about my body, my sense of self, and my own place in the world I would sabotage every friendship and relationship I got into. God bless my friends that have stayed with me. Megan and Jill have been my friend since September 1, 1985. Can you believe that? And I'm on great terms with my friends from high school. How many people can say that?

the one about secrets

Without ruining any of the plotlines one thing about the show Brothers & Sisters I find kind of annoying is no one can keep a secret. I understand why the writers did it (There are no secrets between this family), but wow. For most my younger life I was not a very good secretkeeper. I wasn't good at decipher what's ok to talk about and what's not. A friend's embarrassing moment when they crapped themselves while running - ok to gossip about. A friend's infidelity - not ok to gossip about.

I kept getting irritated. As I switched from big gossip to secretkeeper I rationalized that it helps create a bond between that person. I thought about it ad nauseum. I also noticed whenever my friends would tell me secrets I would listen, give them advice, and then it's almost like I forget about it. Till they remention it. I've noticed that there's this bond that forms between me and that person. Not like blackmail or guilt but a deepening of friendship.

So that's my opinion on secrets. You got them and wanna tell me please do so. I probably have great advice and I most definitely will not tell them. I do also use the pinky swear method of secrecy. Once you pinky swear that's like a bond greater than blood. :)

the one that started it all

My very first blog...anyways it's sunny here in Quincy and I'm being a curmudgeon and staying in. It's so weird during the winter/fall if it's sunny I love staying in when it's sunny. Obvi when it's spring/summer Ima get my ass out.

Right now I'm cleaning out my dvr and about to tackle my Netflix. I've been watching Brothers & Sisters from Season 1 on. I'm at Disc 1 of Season 2....don't you dare judge me.

Anyways it's been a week since Ben text message dumped me LOL I know that sounds harsh and he's probably reading it but that's what happened plain and simple. I wanted to talk in person about things and he kept talking via text and well we know the end result. I don't hate him. I truly don't. It's weird. I remember my life before we dated and I feel like I was a desperate person. Desperate to have a relationship. Desperate to be with someone. And now all I can think of is how much I wanna map out in my brain my life. I want a relationship but I don't need one. I've always said it but I never really put it to good use.

I'm writing again :) This guy I lost touch with is a director. We are gonna collabo on a script I've already written. I can't wait to finally have an acting resume. It'll be nice to stop talking about my dream and start living it. I'm looking to publish my first book this year too. SO nervous about that but again I need to do it. Amazon has a self-publish program. If all goes well I'll be doing it by month's end.

Another thing I wanna do is starting March 1st get back in shape. I'm not fat I just eat poorly. I wanna have a flat stomach by my birthday in May. So UGH I'm gonna change my entire eating habits.

Also by month's end my Alice will be back. Oh em gee I'm so excited. Instead of having to plan a trip to go see her I can now take a two hour drive and see my girl. SO much better haha Every year I say it but I need to better balance seeing my other friends too. MEGAN, I swear we will hang out this year lol I have been good about if I plan something I do it. Like seeing my Brandon in GA last September or him coming to see me (I made myself available for him).

Ok well I need something to write next time...should be an interesting weekend. Last night my ex/bestie Josh and I hung out. It was so good to see him. I love him as a person and as my friend...Today I think will be lazy day. CTL baby Cleaning, TV, Laundry hahaha Tomorrow is V-day. As you all know V-day is my absolute favorite holiday in the history of holidays. Well as I said I don't hate Ben so I agreed to keep our dinner reservations at Melting Pot. Always pumped about stuffing my face hahaha And Monday is Law & Order. Every holiday I like staying home and watching L&O reruns (some Sundays too).

Do you guys REALLY wanna follow my blog? I sound so boring! Haha well too late you already requested on FB so here ya go. :)