So yesterday I was feeling off. Off in a good way though. I couldn't explain it or understand it. But I felt off all morning into the afternoon. Then in the early evening I got a phone call I had been waiting two weeks for. I realized in that moment I know myself better than I realize. Keep reading...
In my life I thought of killing myself twice. Once when I was 12. The fun, exciting childhood I had where I was playing "Jem" and mansion with my girl friends and "The Goonies" with my guy friends had ended. I was in junior high in my physically awkward phase (skinny with big glasses) and being called every name in the book by my bully and his friends. I was being verbally and physically abused at home. I didn't want to live and didn't think anyone cared if I did.
One day in 8th Grade sitting near the "popular kids" Kevin and Chris, I said under my breath "I just wish I didn't exist anymore." I continued on with class and was about to leave when the teacher called me over. She and Kevin were standing there. Kevin had overheard what I said and told the teacher. KEVIN! A popular kid in my grade cared...about me? Nah. But he did. Senora Sasso talked to me about harming myself. I played it off, but she wasn't satisfied. She knew I was typically a loud talkative kid, but that day I was low. She told me she was going to have me speak with someone and going to follow up with me after that. And that was the day Kevin and I became friends. He would let me sit with the other popular kids at lunch (when there was room) and he'd sit near me in classes. He made it his mission to check on me oddly enough. And other popular kids did too. My fave was Amy who was in a lot of classes with me. Amy and I are friends to this day. BUT I digress. When I got home my mother had a phone call from the school. She was MAD she had to take off work to talk to a school psychologist with me. I remember that being the day I began hating my mother. She didn't care about me only her day off. Her child stated in class he wanted to end his life, and she was worried about her work. That was the beginning of me distancing myself from her. It has taken YEARS for me to forgive her for that...and a few other things. But that was the start. I saw the school psychologist from 8th grade till 10th grade. I remained friends with Kevin and the other popular kids in my grade till this day. :)
The other time I wanted to kill myself was in December 2013. I had been unemployed for 8 months and got word my unemployment would end on December 28, 2013. I was that 12 year old all over again. Financial burden, I had understood whom I was more than ever. But on a deeper level than when I was 12 I knew of other people that had transitioned into transwomen. I wanted that for myself. But with no job, living with my mother, and about to have my car repossessed how was I gonna do that? I thought about how I was going to kill myself this time. And then something happened. The moment I wondered how to kill myself I wondered "What if I didn't?" What if I believed I could get through this? What if this unemployment is temporary? What if something better happens tomorrow and I miss out cuz I killed myself. I said to myself, "Don't make a permanent decision during a temporary situation." At the time I had to apply to at least 3 jobs a week and turn it into unemployment. The LAST week of my unemployment benefits I applied to a temp agency. Two weeks later I got the email that I was to come into the temp agency, fill out paperwork, and start the assignment Feb 2014. I would have to go an entire month without money, but hey at least I'd have something soon. I found out that temp job was 5 minutes down the road from my mother's house, I was a temp for 6 months then got permanently hired at their branch near Boston, my friend was trying to find someone to rent his room in his condo as he bought a house and would serve as landlord to the condo. I got the job in August 2014, moved into the apartment October 2014, and after learning the job and feeling comfortable came out as transgender August 2015. Five years later I am still living in Boston at the same job and openly transgender. My company has changed policies and training modules to include gender identity, and they now pay transgender health benefits AND 80% of the gender reassignment surgery....because I came out.
AGAIN trust yourself and what you're capable of.
And a little tidbit: every day I wake up in the morning I say 10 affirmations and 10 desires. I've been doing this since late 2017. It has worked...something to think about :D