So things have changed drastically for me.
I came out as a transwoman on August 1st. I won't lie I was a bit nervous. I didn't have any money set aside for hair, nails, or clothes. I don't have a therapist yet. And I feel insecure about my body right now. My work has been AMAZING! They knew my date and put my new name up on my desk plague. They've been calling me Emily as well. Everyone in my life is 100% commitment to helping me transition...well almost. haha Keep reading
Two weeks into my transition I've come to a realization: I'm an awkward pre-teen again. Remember when you were 11 or 12 in middle school and you didn't have the right hair or clothes and felt insecure about your body? Well the worse part of going through this is having people in my life try making me feel bad about it. Maybe they aren't trying, but the daily questions "Why aren't you more girly? Are you questioning this? If you haven't dressed up like a woman before how do you know this is what you want?" It's frustrating, aggrivating, and I truly don't need it. When one person said "You really should think of other people." I damn near hit the roof. I've decided to drown out the noise and focus on me. If people don't/can't understand that then that's THEIR problem not MINE. You can't say "Oh I support you 100%....BUT..." either you do or you don't. If your support comes with conditions then keep your support to yourself and let me move forward.
Also something HUGE happened. A few months ago my sister Jamie told me about Larry having a brain tumor. At first I didn't believe her. When she sent me a screenshot of his FB status I thought "He's playing a mean joke. That shit ain't real." Then I thought about his mother. Larry's dad passed a few years ago; he'd NEVER play a joke on his mom. I felt terrible. But Larry and I hadn't talked since that incident. I didn't know what to do. I decided the best thing to do was to let him know I know, I care, and I knew he'd beat it. I wasn't ready to be friends again...not yet. The sting of his words still hurt pretty bad; and I kept thinking how AWFUL Kelly was to me when I tried reaching out to her last November (a year after our big blow-up). So I emailed him my lil sentiments. He responded. I told him to keep me updated and didn't hear from him till this past week. Either he noticed or someone told him about my transition. Either way we talked.
It wasn't our usual talk like before when we made up. This was different. First he fully apologized for what was said. And I IMMEDIATELY forgave him. Why wouldn't I? A) He is apologizing and B) I wanted to.
Larry and I have gotten so close over the years his past exes forbid us from hanging out. They could never get as close as Larry and I could...except we never once had sex or kissed or fooled around. It's almost like a twin. He can look at me and know exactly what I'm thinking on a topic without one word being said and vice versa. I did something I normally wouldn't do...I opened up to him. Told him about how I felt towards him, about our friendship, and where I stood with things today. I do not regret writing my blog post about him. There was nothing in that post that was a lie or disrespectful. What I didn't want to admit to myself is that AT THAT TIME I had to not be friends with him. Thing about me and Larry is that we are friends forever till we're dead. We can hurt each other like no one else can, but it's because we love each other so much. I don't think I was able to understand or grasp this fact before. Maybe the lady pills come with female feelings too LOL we stopped talking September 30, 2013 and picked right back up this past Wednesday. I believe God or the universe KNOWS I need him right now. If we were friends this whole time I don't know if I would've move back to Boston. I'll be honest. And if I did he woulda spoiled me ROTTEN! I'd be here with the best human hair weaves, he woulda bought me all this Victoria's Secret and Express stuff. Basically he's my lifelong boyfriend without romance or sex. And he's a spoiler. He would go broke spending his money on ppl he loves because he knows it'd make them happy. No I needed to know what it was like surviving without him as my crutch. And now I know I don't need him in my life, but I want him in my life. HUGE revelation. I'm not saying my other friendships suck or are less than mine with him, but there's just a different vibe with him.
We missed sooooooo much too. The shopping, the planning, visiting me here in Boston (and probably woulda helped me move), he woulda also shown up at my book signings and helped me organize them, come out to Boston to go to the movies with me, there is just so much we missed out on. But again I don't regret it. I can't. Me being on my own taught me so many valuable lessons. And his brain tumor has really helped him solidify whom he needs to keep in his life and who needs to go. Larry is good looking and a good person deep down to his core. With that comes hangers-on and people only there for him to sleep with him. He went through a period where almost every new friend he made wanted sex from him. I felt bad for him, but not today. He's been in a long-term relationship for years, has a great career, has a wonderful familial support system, and he's fighting his cancer like a champ. I have NO doubts he'll beat this. None.
Having said all that we both have mini walls up. Not that we don't trust each other, but I think we are both unsure of what will happen. Think of two firecrackers meeting in the middle lol We both want our friendship back, but we're scared of how much work it'll take. It's funny because my friendships now are so effortless. Sure I can get into an argument or disagreement with my friends, but the people that are in my life right now at this moment aren't bad people. I cannot say I want Kelly or Shane back in my life. Truly. Right now I don't need or want them. But I also can't say this is a lifelong statement. If Kelly apologized to me tomorrow I would still feel the same way. I just can't...
Well I am going to take things slow. I mean it's a friendship not a relationship, but I got so much going on. I didn't except Larry to come back so I'm not even prepared for what to say or what will happen. Obviously I'm glad he's back I love him...and if a friend can be a soulmate he's mine. But I just got a whole lot going on. I know the second we start hanging out it'll be back to siblings though...I'm also scared cuz some of my friends that know him have always been jealous of our friendship too. I don't wanna lose them either. But hey Larry is my boo boo. It's like having the left side of my body reattached. I feel whole again. :)