the one about closure

So after my non-closure with Ben I decided to clean up my Facebook inbox. Forgot I had a message in there from Bruce.

Bruce and I dated for a month in 2008. I was like "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" when I saw him. My friends were like "Go for him. He's cute." So I talked to him. He was in Boston on business. We chatted and a one-night stand turned into a month long, long-distance relationship. OH DONT JUDGE ME! Hey I liked him. And he liked me. I went to visit him in FL for three days and I was on cloud nine. Great time. But he broke up with me cuz he couldn't take the distance (that's what he said at the time). We stayed amicable. He even sent me flowers last Valentine's Day. Then he got a boyfriend out of nowhere. Just like happened after months of telling me he wasn't dating or interested in dating. And he turned on me. Said the nastiest things. Things you'd say to someone you once claimed to care deeply for. The things he said were things from my childhood I thought I left behind. I was literally so shaken to the core by what he said I doubted my self-worth. HATED men. All my friends would tell me to let down my guard. They couldn't understand why I was so guarded and I never told them why. I was embarrassed and ashamed for a very long time.

As I said I was cleaning out my Facebook inbox and saw an old message from when we were friends. Without thinking I shot him an email about something unrelated to our relationship. He responded RIGHT back almot immediately. Then I brought "it" up. And it was weird for me. Each email was more sorrowful and apologetic than the last. I hated this man for killing any faith I had in men last May. And I still cared about him as a person and his well being. I had healed but never perfectly closed up. It's like a hole that had stitches with gaping openings.

He asked if he could call me and I said "I suppose." Our phone conversation started off with my wall up. I didn't serve him playful jabs I gave him hurtful slices. And they were thought out. Nasty and immature I know but he was whom I was angry at and I could not express it to anyone else. I'm mostly sarcastic but when I'm a bitch you better watch out. The digs were like trenches. And he KNEW he deserved it. He even said "I deserved that" about 700 times. During our THREE hour conversation I learned he was drunk when he said those things AND he was considering contacting me for awhile but was afraid I hated him. I told him "well drinking reveals the truth I thought." He admitted he had no clue why he said what he said. I moved on from it. Then a bomb was dropped on him:

Bruce: David, we didn't mesh that well. I mean I'm outdoorsy so when I wanted to go camping...

David: Um Bruce, I grew up outdoors. Loved to bike, run, and yes camp. Was gonna camp in September for a friend's birthday but I was in Atlanta at the time. So apparently you don't know me as well as you think.

I heard him stumble. He was shocked. Suddenly my wound was closing alot faster and more perfectly than I thought. I felt more confident in months. Told him about my work situation and how I'm gonna start mentoring soon. How I'm considering getting my masters. How I'm getting on a new fitness plan. And I intentionally didn't mention my dating life at first. Then I opened up. I hadn't really talked about it but I told him about Josh and how we are going on dates. And how I had the confidence to walk up to a guy at the bar now and say hello without it being about sex.

The resolve of our conversation is that we are going to try and be friends again. I can't say that I will automatically go back to it. But the thing about Bruce is I can say anything I want to him and he would not judge me (probably cuz he's done the same or more probably four or five times). It's just tough going from hating someone who made you feel like crap for 9 months to opening up and letting them in as your friend again. I'm gonna try...